November words

November words

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November words

NOTE: This blog entry is republished prom a previous site that is now controlled by entity or entities unknown and untrusted.  It is for archival purposes and to remind me how far I have come in my own journey, and to let others know that the journey can be made.
Thread necromancy is allowed as long as the comment remains on topic and germane to this blog entry.

 2:38 AM

It has been a long time since I wrote to this journal.

I have left grad school and gotten a job working as a developer for a local Business.
The owner of the business is a nice guy, but the company culture is kind of schizophrenic and I need to see what my options are regarding other work possibilities.

Unfortunately, I find myself paralyzed when I think about applying for another job.
None of the whole, “I’m good enough; I’m smart enough; and gosh darnit people LIKE me…” crap is cutting it.
I have a degree and I am apparently needed by the department I am in. I am the technical lead on a project that NEEDS to happen in this company like a drowning man NEEDS to breathe air. Unfortunately, there is so much frenetic disorder at the highest levels that things often get scrambled like eggs before the project gets finished.

Everything is hurry hurry hurry, with little attention to laying foundations for future expansion or establishing infrastructure.
Consequently, a lot of the so-called “infrastructure of the company” is cobbled together half-solutions that barely work mixed liberally with the cheapest vendors on the market who often don’t know what they are doing, or may not even know what the innards of their own software looks like… I am looking at YOU, Pinnacle.)
So here I stand, miserable again, unhappy with my job, procrastinating on things that really need to be done because I am afraid that I will not be given the time to finish them before the next switch happens and all the work done goes down the tubes.

But when I think of moving to something else, I get locked up with analysis paralysis. Good enough is NOT good enough. Applications have to be PERFECT… except there is no perfect and cannot be perfect because there is no way to know what would make the job prospect a 100% certainty.

The fact is, nothing will make the job prospect a 100% certainty, but I am not good at assessing risk and reward, so my risk/venture circuit says that I shouldn’t risk /this job/self-esteem/effort/dignity/safety for something that might be threaten all of those.

Part of the problem, as far as I can see, is the crafting of an expectation…or rather not knowing how to craft an expectation.
People keep telling me I need to be more optimistic, that I should learn to expect better things.
But there is a part of me that retorts, “Expectation is not something you dream up; it is something that is made of experiences and statistical analyses of those experiences to create an anticipated response from the world to a given stimulus created by me.”
The idea of a crafted expectation is, to me both ludicrous and utterly alien. It’s as if I am being told that to think happy thoughts and simply demand the Universe appeal to my needs is all that need be done, and if it doesn’t work out, ignore that and just keep on plugging until it happens since now you are committed and you don’t want all that effort to go to waste.

Unfortunately, I think most people’s brains do not engage in correct accounting. I think they ignore the session costs for each attempt and just count the session cost for the one that ultimately worked, if ever there was one that worked.
That is the only thing that makes sense to me, since analyzing the total effort involved often renders the entire prospect unworthy.
When I point this out, people tell me I am “being a downer”, as if reality was just too heavy, so I should let them continue in their illusion-buffered delusions. And I do… I usually let them be. I do not think it is fair to burst other people’s bubbles of comfort no matter how delusional they seem to be. They are happy and I wouldn’t take that away from them for anything.

At least someone is happy.

Me? I am not happy. I am honest with myself (often brutally so) but this does not lead to happy.
And I cannot seem to extract happy from Truth.
Righteous? Yes
Justified? Yes
Rock solid in my foundations of reality? Absolutely.
Responsible to self and others for my self and my actions? Yep… got that in spades.
Happy? No.

And I cannot seem to find that.

Don’t misunderstand, I occasionally find temporary bouts of lifted mood.
Once in a while I even enjoy a day or two of the absence of gray clouds.
This last summer I even had a brief interlude of infatuation with someone I met a while ago at a LARP.
We got to know each other better at Nonclave and at Palla Grande in NYC. Nice guy.
I am not his type, so that didn’t go anywhere, but for a little while it was nice to know that that part of me wasn’t dead.
What I am getting at is: It’s not like I am one long session of constant Eeyore grumbling.
But the baseline is pretty low.

So… what to do about this?
How do I learn to “craft expectations” so that I can optimistically expect more positive things?
How do I learn to shield myself with delusion without sacrificing my sense of perspective and reality?
Is there somewhere they teach these things?
Or was I supposed to pick it up as a small child and was busy looking at the real world too much to develop a strong sense of the fake one?

Somebody throw me a bone, huh?

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