a start.

a start.

By : -

a start.

NOTE:  This entry is republished from an earlier blog on a site that is now under control by entity or entities unknown and untrusted.  It is here for archival purposes, but thread necromancy is welcome as long as you keep it germane to the topic of the post.

So, I started therapy again.
Not that I ever stopped needing it; I stopped having the time to focus on it because I filled my life with stuff – namely: Grad School.

A little background:

Hi! I’m Jack and I am a mess!

All respond with “Hi, Jack!”]

I am not your everyday average mess with the cushions out of place and such.
More like the worst parts of a plane crash, hurricane disaster and toxic waste dump all mashed into one.
Twisted flaming poisonous devastated wreckage mess.

You’d never know it to look at me.

Enough of the pity party. Let’s get to the real stuff.

Anyway, a few years ago, I had a really difficult winter (Seasonal Affective Disorder is a real bitch when you live in Buffalo, NY.) just as I was finishing up my B.S. in Computer Science; I realized that I didn’t really want to go back into computer science as a career. I was severely depressed and was not getting my work done and was in real danger of flunking out of a program I had been doing well in.

So I went to the school counseling office, and they recommended that I go to the mental health services office for some counseling and therapy, if needed.
So I did.

A number of weeks later, I registered for my first classes in getting my second degree (BA in Psychology of all things) and seemed to get a better grip on things. Of course, it might have also been that my SAD was lifting since the season was turning around.

I did so well in Psychology that I was offered a chance at grad school, full ride and stipend. This looked like a chance that was too good to miss. Of course, in usual style, the Universe (note the capitalization) tested my dedication to the notion with an offer….a lure if you will… of a job in the CS field as a Project Manager with a stable company starting at ~$60K. Was I sufficiently dedicated to the idea of Grad School to pass up this job opportunity? Applying my new-found skills in self esteem and affect management, I chose to see this not as a distraction, but rather as an alternate opportunity. Now I had TWO opportunities from which to choose instead of just one; what a bounty! I wasn’t just a cork on the ocean being directed by the path of least resistance; I had a real choice to make and I made it!

I chose grad school.

Unfortunately, the program I entered was not a good fit.

I fully accept responsibility for my choice.
I wasn’t sure what I was getting into and didn’t really do enough research ahead of time.
In my favor, I have no family that have ever gone this far with schooling before, so I kinda was never given the tools I needed to assess this kind of thing.

Nonetheless, I find myself in a tough spot and am depressed all over again because of it.

I have spoken with my advisor, and she is in complete agreement that this is not the right field for me. We knew it was a 50/50 proposition to begin with, so she is not too upset by it.
I have decided to finish out the semester as best I can, but then what?

Hence the further therapy.

I have NO FRICKING IDEA what I am going to do after this semester is over.

SO, part of my recovery process is therapy, and my therapist and I have begun a round of Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (or CBT for short… no snickering from the kinky crowd… you know who you are). Some of that is going to be posted here, along with insights, epiphanies and other relevant stuff that I need to get out of my head and into print where the structure of language can organize it into easily digestible semantics.

So these pages are for me.

If you want to read them, that’s fine.

Maybe you can get something from them so that you don’t also end up a twisted mess that has so many knots in your undies they look like a 1970’s plant hanger.

Or maybe you can just read along and get some insights into a really alien mindscape.

Or maybe you can just laugh at my attempts to gain some sense of normalcy in my life when the world itself is so insane.

Whatever your reasons for reading these pages, know that you do so with my blessing.

And if you notice something that I am obviously missing, LET ME KNOW IT !!!!!

I mean really…. If I am missing some obvious thing about human nature or the world around me, I could stand to have a ticket to the clue-bus, mmmmkay?

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